Breaking an Old Story. Fixing an Old Betty.
One of the oldest stories I hold as a protecting truth is that my needs are a burden. The story is that if I share my needs and ask for help, support, and care from others, that I’ll destroy the relationships that mean so much to me.
From the earliest of my memories, my needs have been a bomb that can destroy a family. This story has caused so much pain and ultimately has created such a low ceiling on my life. It is a limiting belief I dream of shattering one day.
So while I hold space and love for that boy who needed to create that boundary to protect himself from further pain and suffering, and put all his needs on his own shoulders to carry, I now yearn to break open from it, to shed and release it, and heal towards a more whole, alive, and open self.
It’s terrifying. This is the messy work in and through relationship that is full of ambiguous unknowns and potential loss — but it's the type of healing work we are all called to find in this age to rediscover and remember our capacity for interdependent relationship and community.
My first big test of breaking through and letting go of this story came within our Starter Cultures’ community. We’d been experimenting with an intra-community currency — a gifting culture practice called “LBs” for about a month.
This LB Practice, or “Love Berries” as we’ve been calling it—inspired by Robin Wall Kimmerer’s stories in Braiding Sweetgrass and The Serviceberry, is an experiment in interdependence that encourages individuals to gift and flow resources, energy, and care towards livelihood needs, appreciative love, and received value.
Alongside these relational flows of LBs, which can be withdrawn as dollars at any time, all participants are encouraged to actively reflect, work on, and grow through their personal relationships with money, wealth, livelihood, scarcity, abundance, reciprocity, receiving, giving, sharing needs, etc.
I had been living in Betty, my camper van for 3 or 4 months at this point, and had just spent a beautiful week in Big Sur on the coast of California when my first big Betty emergency happened. Long story short, Betty’s engine overheated and the radiator busted. She’s an old beaut and this was probably inevitable but I was completely lost and broken down, practically and emotionally.
With no cell service I had to trek to a gas station and call a tow truck to bring her back to the nearest auto shop in Monterey. After a week of work, what had initially been quoted just over $1,000 more than quadrupled to over $4,000. The stress of getting a bill that I couldn’t comfortably cover on my own simply overwhelmed me.
That moment of feeling the scarcity of money is such a visceral feeling that takes over one’s full being. My body felt constricted and tight all over, pain surfaced in my chest and abdomen. Emotionally I was afraid and anxious—having difficulty staying focused and present. I found myself slipping back into old patterns and stories of short term comforts that numbed the reality as I frantically searched for plans to change the direction I was heading through my work to meet the needs of the moment.
It was, after a long walk on the beaches of Monterey, that I really took a deep pause and became aware of how damaging this core limiting belief I have truly is. Maybe this was something that I didn’t need to solely put on my shoulders and bear the weight of. Maybe this was an opportunity to test that belief and flip that story upside down.
I let myself wonder and wander in this dreaming space of what if my needs might not be a burden, but instead could be a gift — an opportunity for care and tenderness to flow between the relationships in my life and potentially deepen them.
So I opened up and tried something that I have rarely if ever done in my life. I asked for help.
I reached out on our LB Flows channel and shared this message on January 28th:
“So I had always hoped that we’d reach a point in this 3-month experiment where someone would run into a real need we could come together and support. And of course I always imagined it being someone else. This is surprisingly hard to do for me and I feel lots of tension in my stomach, my shoulders, my chest, and find myself ruminating on old stories that justify me not making a vulnerable ask like this, but this is the work we are in together, and I need help. It’s hard to even say that haha. (Also, much love and appreciation to @Sarah Durlacher for bringing this up and offering support so openly earlier this week.)
I’ll just be straight forward from here. Betty’s engine fix was much more than I had hoped it would be. I ended up just putting it all on my credit card and would ideally like to pay off the balance in the next month so I don’t start getting charged crazy interest and get further into a hole. I have some finances saved up and some flowing in the next month, but I’m hoping to get help with around 1,500 more Love Berries if that is possible. I don’t even know how to ask for that kind of help, but there it is. So if you are feeling an abundance of meat now that you want to store in the belly of your brother (me) and sister (Betty), we could really use your support. Any gift would be so greatly appreciated.
I will say, that as hard as coming to the sharing of this need has been, I’ve found comfort the past few days knowing that I had this interdependent web of loving and caring relationships to be caught in. I’ve actively felt much less alone and stressed in this shit because of it. As I send this, I’m working through old stories that I’ve internalized as being weak and being a burden that will damage all of our relationships and this crew overall, so I guess all I can do is dive into the deep end, lean into this emergent we, and test a limiting assumption/belief of mine. Maybe me leaning on you all won’t be a burden, but rather a gift to deepen our bonds through. Much love to you all. ❤️ “
The responses flowed in:
“I give the $176 in my account to @Jordan Lyon (plus and additional $150 I’m investing today, for a total of $226) because he expressed a financial need. I’m flowing bucks to where they are needed and it makes me feel happy to do so. There is some lingering tension in deciding how much to support his need, so I’m starting with this amount and seeing what other ripples flow towards Jordan.”
“I would like to gift @Jordan Lyon ❤️🍓160. Both for setting up & initiating this experiment and in support of Betty. I feel neutral, a bit excited in my chest, somewhat analytical in my head. My story is that I am glad/excited to be helping Jordan & Betty, but I had to think of a "real" reason to give him this much ❤️. This put me in an neutral/analytical space. New story: Setting up this experiment is very real for ME, while Betty is much more abstract. Though I can imagine that Betty is very REAL for Jordan. (Writing this out makes me feel nervous... story: I'm saying something bad to Jordan and he won't like me.)”
“I would like to gift @Jordan Lyon (and Betty) $180 LBs. I feel grounded and trusting in this moment that I am planting a healthy seed. As I emerge from a week of decomposition and being with self I feel energies of lightness and potential through taking this action to support others from a place of self love.”
“I would like to gift @Jordan Lyon and Betty $200 LBs. In this moment, I feel serene like this is a natural extension of flow and a commitment to the care of “us too.” The story I have is that I had a windfall this week and a new client emerged from an unexpected place- that inspired me to share that gift and that flow and allow it to amplify. ❤️⛲️”
After these and more, I responded with this:
“There is just so much loving flow! It’s hard to describe how I’m feeling. I feel so fully held and cared for here, and way less stressed. I’m optimistic but still slightly worried how this will all play out in the long run, but thank you all so much.
One new tension that came up last night, that grew this morning, is that I’ve received flows beyond my ask and need. My hope was to withdraw a total of around $2,000 from our LB flows to help cover this debt. As a big gift came in under the radar last night (thank you so much @Brandon Dube) I reached that goal.
So to start, please don’t flow anymore LBs my way. My cup of love berries is overflowing! ❤️🍓😊
I think a learning here for the future is to post a tracker that shows the progress towards a need being met. Since we are where we are now, I want to cherish and fully accept each of your heartfelt gifts with all the intentions and love that came with them. Thank you so much. For whatever amount exceeded the $2,000 withdraw goal, I will be flowing half into our Community Pool to seed the continued future stewardship of our collective. The rest I’ll keep in my bank to be dispersed as needs arise throughout the group in the near future (if you have a need, however small, please share!!). Thank you so much @Carol Xu, @J.D. Nasaw, @Sam Greenwood, @Meg Buzzi, @Steph Soussloff, and @Brandon Dube ❤️ (And a big loving shoutout to @Sarah Durlacher who not only initially opened up this space, but I’m sure would also have shared her abundance with me as well)
Please share any feelings or tensions that come up with this.”
And:
“I am withdrawing $1,100 LB’s/❤️🍓’s to support my livelihood needs with Betty. It feels like a big step—somehow the flow out of real $ towards livelihood needs feels more real than flowing in. I feel a fluttering in my chest, tightness in my neck. Emotionally I am grateful, happy, and anxious. Stories are still spinning about me being a burden, people feeling used or exploited, and unknown fears around what happens next. Feeling lots of ambiguity how the next couple weeks will go for our LB experiment. Looking forward to decompressing, unloading, and absorbing over zoom with you all soon.
I also gift $400 to the Community Pool based on the overflowing of Love Berries I received from you all. I feel grounded, grateful, and optimistic that I get to continue the flow of these LB’s towards a Community Pool we can explore together how to use. ❤️”
While there are many more steps ahead on my healing journey to break through this story of my needs being a burden, this was a transformative moment for me and my relationships within this Starter Cultures’ community. Just re-reading through those old messages and putting myself back into that experience brings tears of gratitude to my eyes. Thank you crew. Much love.
Written by jordan lyon